1.27.2013

I think I'm gonna rethink my life.

At the moment I'm going through an existential crisis.

I need to rethink my life, my choices, what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it. I want to get my shit together. I'm tired of being battered around by everyone else's bullshit.

What I really want to do is move. I have never been happier than being up in the sky or out on an open road. I love moving. I love seeing the world. I love just sitting in a cafe and watching the world pulse around me. Everywhere in the world is fascinating and just waiting patiently for the rest of the world to notice that. I love getting on a bus and seeing the strangers. It's incredible to me that everyone in the world is living out their own life stories and while they look like extras to my life, I just look like an insignificant extra to them. I walk for an hour into the city just for a scene change. I love tramping around in the woods and creeks and I'm so tired of bullshit and routines and obligations.

My parents keep nagging me to get a job and do something with my life. I'm trying. I have a free spirit but I'm so trapped. I'm stuck. Everything holds me back. Me most of all. I'm the biggest thing separating me from the world. People have always told me I'm an introvert, but maybe that's not true. Nobody ever listens so I've got it in my head that nobody actually cares so I just shut the hell up and squish it down.

Out in the big world, nobody does care. You can do whatever the hell you want and nobody's gonna give a shit.
I don't want to start over because that's scary. I was supposed to get out of my stupid town where everyone shared chocolate milk in kindergarten together. I was going to go to a gigantic school of 35,000 people and make lots of new friends and be wildly popular and not give a shit and I was going to be free and nobody could tell me what to do and I wouldn't worry about anyone judging me and shit.

I see other people do that. Lots of my friends are going out and making more friends. Kaitlin has an entirely new group. i don't know why she even keeps me around, a lot. Even Colin can make new friends. Me, I'm the only one who hasn't moved on. I whine to myself that making friends is hard, and I'm shy and introverted and everyone always tells me I'm weird and awkward or whatever so I've got it in my head that I can't do it, I can't make new friends.

I mean, who really give a shit. It's my turn to move the fuck on. I'm not in fucking high school anymore. I need to stop giving a damn what my parents think. I want to be young and live my life.

I want to shed all my guilt and hurt and disappointment and insecurities and let the fuck go. Someday I'm going to learn that.

What I really want to do is go on a huge road trip and see real America, like some fucking Jack Kerouac thing or fucking Charles Bukowski and just go all over the fucking place, drinking and fucking and camping and betting and writing. Being free. I want to ride with a biker gang because hell, biker gangs have probably got it right. The open road. that's what i want. i want to get the hell out of here. Everyone sucks.

I want to hike up the Appalachian Trail. For real. All 2000 plus miles of it. It's a huge undertaking and I'll be tired as shit. Whatever. Get me the hell away from Facebook and fake bitches and texting.

Maybe I'll be a flight attendant. Where you get paid to fly. I fucking love flying. I don't even care about dealing with all the high-maintenance public on airplanes and boring-ass safety briefings.

I want to be really nice to strangers. I want to like, change someone's life. I want to chill with homeless people and take them to dinner and shit. the only problem would be what to do after, I mean, I don't want to just drop them off at their shopping cart or something. That'd be awkward. But really. I want to do nice things for people. I want to sell all my shit and help people.

I want to stay in hostels and motels and drink stale coffee in local diners, and shower at truck stops and have picnics on the car hood on the side of the road, and i want to stargaze on blankets and laugh at tourists. I don't know. maybe I've been reading too many beatnik books but.

Honestly this sounds stupid as shit but I'm giving a small fraction of a thought to becoming a whore. yeah tell me, oh honey, you don't want to do that, you'll fuck up your life and get an STD or whatever, and you're worth more than that. You know what? Don't judge people.

And want to know a secret? Sex doesn't mean a thing to me anymore. I don't give a shit. The act of copulation is so stupid and simple it's ridiculous to me that people make such a big fucking deal about it. I just keep my mouth shut cause I don't want to offend anyone. I mean honestly the idea of porn and masturbation used to horrify and embarrass me, but now I don't really care. Everybody has their needs and everybody deals with them in different ways. Fucking deal with it.

Maybe whores have got it right. Get paid to fuck and have some fun. Sell some love and make somebody else feel desirable for a night and walk away with 200 bucks. Be fleeting. Burn bright and then burn out. I mean, who wants to die old, wrinkled, and tired after life in a fucking cubicle anyway.

Okay, maybe I don't really wholeheartedly mean all of this. I'm just having an existential crisis right now and I  have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I can see myself spiraling into another hole again. I am so hanging the fuck onto that edge right now.

Bye, friends!

2 comments:

Reina Summers said...

I agree i think traveling and watching the world move around you is really relaxing

LacyLiss said...

You seem like a really cool girl. Any tips on how to keep this blog thing going, i just started one and well you seem successful enough to know what your doing :) http://lacylissa.blogspot.com.au/

Hello!

Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)